mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
