I can text with my tongue
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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