I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
