the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
