I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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