...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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