Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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