its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
