I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My penis needs a shock collar
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
