Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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