I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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