I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
