remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
