Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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