all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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