Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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