I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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