Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
then he tried to convert me to islam
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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