I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize