The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
