I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
