Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i now understand why vodka
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
