Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The air taste purple.
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