You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
two words...techno handjob
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
