aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize