Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
