The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize