Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
