I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
