i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You ruined the universe
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
