There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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