god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
