I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
