so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
