I am spending my child support on dildos
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
