You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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