this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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