the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
