dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
