Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
