Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
