I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
