I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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