So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
