decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
God, I missed his penis.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
