She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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