i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
is wine microwaveable?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I would ride that face into the sunset
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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