I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
