i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
