you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
