No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She bit a glass in half.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
