The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
