I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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