I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
