I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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