I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize