I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
