I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
