I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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