I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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