He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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