I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it hurts more in the daytime
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
