dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
