Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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