Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
