I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize